My Heart Hurts!

I'm so very sad right now. Sad is not even the right word but maybe more mixed emotions...some anger, certainly love...my heart just hurts so bad. 

There are 3 couples who are in the dental field, who my family hung around with at all the dental functions & we shared major life events, birthdays, graduations etc. There were more boys than girls born within these 4 couples with 3 girls & 9 boys! The boys were all around the same age within just a few years.

My dad called yesterday to tell me my mom was home from her knee surgery & doing ok, but then he told me that he received a call that one of these couple's 35 yr old son died Mon night. My folks have known them since they were in the military in Fort Hood, TX 44 yrs ago. Of all the couples, this set lived near us so I would hang out with my mom & aunt shopping & doing lunch routinely each month for many years. There oldest son was a few yrs younger than me & my Sr year went to the same college I did, though I didn't see him much.

I think I'm still in shock. I just can't believe it. We don't know many details but he did have brain surgery a number of years ago for a tumor they said was growing slowly probably for 20 yrs. He was doing well & working & I believe off some of the meds they had him on. All we know is he was in the hospital apparently for the last week because one of the meds was causing clots. My guess is he threw a clot & they couldn't do anything. His mom retired from teaching nursing so I'm sure she will get to the bottom of it but that certainly doesn't change the end result. He leaves behind a wife & 3 sons, his last "Evan" being born last Oct. They are all very young.

It just does not seem fair. I don't understand things like this. He is the first within my generation to die. To top it off his mom's sister lost her only daughter a few yrs ago right after surgery. My whole family is just devistated. My youngest brother, who is his age & would hang out at all the social events, couldn't talk to my dad on the phone after dad told him. I could tell my dad is not doing well because he didn't talk after he told me. My folks are his brother's godparents but they always treated him like theirs too...so much so just a few years ago we were at their mom's & he really thought they were his godparents. Makes me wonder about his real ones but I'm so glad he felt so loved by my folks that he felt he was. My folks are like that, no "Daughter 'In-Law'" just "Daughter" etc. Well, I suppose that could be good or bad but...Ha!

Tomorrow is the wake & Fri the funeral. I'm just dreading this so much. I know it is going to be very difficult. My sister is flying in from FL later today & they are going to tell her when she gets here. I'm suppose to have class tomorrow night but I'm trying to find someone to take it for me because I just don't think I can do it. Of all things I'm suppose to talk about Love & Stress (separate topics but they do blend!) I think it will just make me too emotional. I suppose I could show a video & that will help but...

I just can't imagine how my aunt, uncle, his brother & his wife are going through. I just keep fluctuating from being gratiful I'm alive, to praying for them & then crying, then feeling guilty I'm alive a bit or the "why him & now", how will the boys ever know how sweet their father was, the missed fishing trips, playing sports, missing them graduate, getting married, being a grandpa, angry with God even a bit etc. It makes me wish I had told 2 men in my past how I really felt about them. The question is will I next time? God I hope so. Well, in all fairness both of them didn't let me! UGH! I just want to scream! I feel like Sally Field in Steel Magnolias...I just want to hit something hard! HA! I also just read in my alumni paper that a guy I worked with in College works at the same place that this young man worked at. I wonder if he will be at the services...not a great place to have a mini-reunion. More later...