Ok, a psych professor not commenting on this...that would be torturing me! Ha! This is turning into quite a lengthy response so I'll respond here. (No lie! That is the song that is playing while I write this! HA!)
I'm responding to "DAILY NEWS: Why men cheat? What the experts don't know and what a superior should learn"
At first, you were going along & I was agreeing & then all of a sudden I was getting confused. Let me explain. First you say that cheating is a matter of integrity & then you say men can't be faithful due to hormones & that women cause it because they are not satisfying men? Also a side note, we are finding more & more woman are cheating lately. They still do not admit to it as much because of the old double standard. Interesting, if it is a hormone issue you would find age differences on this. If true, maybe we should wait until a certain age for men to get married or but then that is a problem for women! HA!
Now it is true hormones do change as you say, and like you, being a woman also in her 40s I TOTALLY understand what you mean! I don't know how many times I've said to my friends in the last few years "Man, I know what 19 yr old men feel like now!" HA! I also discuss with my students why the young woman & older man & older woman & younger man is best fit from a hormonal stand point! Think about it.
Now, when you started to talk about "cause" this logic would be like if you said "Someone caused me to rape her by how she behaved" or "Someone caused me to kill them" or "A child caused me to molest them by what they were wearing". You just can't use that argument/logic. You did mention "restraint" and integrity. We are not robots & do not have control over our behavior totally. True, hormones & other chemicals in our body do effect us! Like diabetes or Schizophrenia or Post Partum Depression etc but those are more extremes & not the common person's level of hormones. In fact, you didn't mention other chemicals, for example Prozac, blood pressure meds (both men & women) etc can reduce libido but hey maybe that is the solution just give everyone a pill to even out the hormones at all ages...ha! There are many reasons why one may not want to have sex & we should also respect that & not just a high libido. This is the difference between a "relationship" and just a "sex partner". Both sides of the hormone libido issue can be worked with & love & compassion needs to be factored in here.
And this was the other point you missed...a relationship that is healthy should be based on LOVE...it is a partnership. You didn't bring up the difference between making love & just lustful sex also. There is so much for this topic. Communication is the key. It can be what kind of sex one wants etc. I remember an interview Barbara Walters did with Chris & Dana Reeves where she asked if they had a sex life still. Like the woman had any right to even ask! Ugh! They laughed & said of course. You know with the just hormone idea or ability idea one could say well Chris' injury caused Dana to cheat & it is excusable because she is in her 40s & has a realy high libido! Bull Hockey! HA! This is were a relationship & love is the key. Yes, the Intimacy...which I have to keep reminding my students is not just SEX! Ugh! Sex & making love is not just intercourse! You make love with everything you do for your mate. We don't all think of it this way but when you take out the trash (EITHER PARTNER!!) for the other, when you surprise them with something they like, when you let them sleep a bit longer & take out the dog for them ETC!!!! you are making love!
Now this brings me to another point missed...COMMUNICATION! Communication is the vital part of ANY part of the relationship. Chances are if a couple is having problems with communicating it is effecting EVERY part of their relationship & not just in bed. This is the key. You mentioned intimate satisfaction but this is not just sex. When either partner speaks lovingly to their partner & communicates their love in so many different ways (like I just mentioned above) then you feel the love & bond & wantto be close to each other, especially physically! Again, this doesn't have to be sex. My folks at 67 & 66 yrs of age still sleep like spoons in a full size bed...if you are not able to communicate in a healthy way you are not going to be able to hold on to each other...thus the old couch situation! HA! Makes you wonder about King beds...separating too far from each other...hmmm. And this is when one has a healthy sexual relationship well into old age as my mom reminds me...yes at 40 I still don't want to always hear about hers! HA! If you are angry about a partner not calling that they would be late from work or that they let the kids do something then you are not going to want to make love or have sex. Other parts of a relationship effect the sexual part. Every part is important.
ADD: I just thought of an example! I don't know how many men will open the door for me & then go through it & let it close for their wife behind! UGH! In contrast I'll see couples in their 70s or 80s holding hands, kissing or husbands still calling their wife "my bride" or "my girl" see the difference!
I've always said, when two people are angry they should have to communicate by sitting on the floor & one is inside the others legs & the one in back is holding the one inside. The one in the back is talking first. Then you switch. Hard to be angry & yell when you are communicating in a loving embrace. Of course discussing things in a hot tub might help relax you too, but it could make you more "heated" HA! Again, it all depends what you goal is! Is this a person you love & thus you don't want hurt. I know always easier said than done. I've felt so bad myself for getting upset with a few men in my past when I've felt hurt by them...ahhh the go to your respected corners for a bit can also be worth it for 10 min and then come back & talk.
Some say "Relationships require work" an others say "It should be that hard to work on". It is work, meaning you have to attend to it but it should not feel like "work" you should WANT to do it because IT FEELS GOOD! It is like I tell my students, if you think of it as "School or Homework" then you will not want to do it. For me I LOVED learning! I would read ahead & want to do anything that others would consider homework...ok so that was for psych & maybe not physics but....it is like now...I'm taking courses on Psych & WWII & the instructor is mentioning resources. We were only required to read 1 book or watch a movie for the 1st class. I've watched all 11 hours of the Band of Brothers, Tom Selleck's movie IKE & I've bought like 10 books already! I just can't get enough of it & that is what it should be like when you love the person. At first it may be more of a physical thing when you first meet them but later it is everything, you just can't get enough of them & for the WHOLE SPIRIT!
Geez...I'm starting to sound like Dr. Phil! YIPES! Maybe a mix of some other spiritual guru too! HA! Dang, I think I need to take a cold shower! HA! You men drive me crazy! (That could be a good thing you know!) ;-)
Ok, just some thingsto think about...what I was thinking...I'll go for now but reserve my right to add or clarify myself depending on how others interpret this. And yes, I'll remind myself by reading this from time to time! HA!